Category: Frivolity
Posted by: an okie gardener
A friend sent me these jokes.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died Peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the Passengers in his car.' --Author Unknown

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: 'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.' --Author Unknown

'Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.' --Drew Carey

'The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, Drop them off at the wrong house.' --Jeff Foxworthy

'If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's' life without even considering if there is a man on base.' --Dave Barry

'Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice, there should be severance pay, and the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.' --Bob Ettinger

'My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'' --Paula Poundstone

'A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.' --Conan O'Brien

'Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.' --Lynda Montgomery

'I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of People in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'' --Richard Jeni

'If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the Impersonators would be dead.' --Johnny Carson

'Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.' --Paul Rodriguez

'My parents didn't want to move to Florida , but they turned sixty and that's the law.' --Jerry Seinfeld

'Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?'
--Warren Hutcherson

'Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.' --Oscar Wilde

'Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a Member of Congress.. But I repeat myself.' --Mark Twain

'Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan ' --A. Whitney Brown

'You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'' --Dave Barry

Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was taken. -- Unknown, (presumed deceased)

'Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.' --W. C. Fields
Category: Frivolity
Posted by: an okie gardener
As anyone who grades high school or undergraduate papers can attest, way too many young people trust spell-check to do their editing and rewrites. These are local headlines from our local TV station. Click the links if you do not believe me.

Motorcycle critically injured in crash.

Mexico recovers pre-Columbian artifacts seized in US, Canada; some looted from nomadic caves
Category: Frivolity
Posted by: an okie gardener
Jean Paul Satre died and appeared before God looking very dazed and confused. God asked him, "Well, what did you expect?" "Nothing."

Rene Descartes walked into a bar and orders a drink. He finishes it and the bartender asks him, "Want another?" "I think not," he replied, and disappeared.

A rabbi, a priest, and a Protestant minister were debating which of their faiths was most effective at making converts. Finally a contest was proposed. They would all go into the woods, and the first one to convert a bear would be the winner. At the agreed upon meeting place the priest and the minister met after their ursine evangelism. "I think I won," said the priest. "I soon came upon a bear, recited the Creed, sprinkled him with water, and now he's a Catholic." "I think I was faster," said the minister. "I also met a bear, asked him if he accepted Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior, and he roared. I took that as a yes." The two of them waited and waited for the rabbi. Finally they saw him drag himself out of the woods, his clothing torn and bloody. "What happened?" the other two cried. "Maybe I should not have tried to begin with circumcision," moaned the rabbi.

One night a lion jumps into a missionary compound. First he ate a Roman Catholic priest. Then he ate a Baptist minister. Finally he ate a Methodist missionary. Then he went back into the jungle and had an ecumenical movement.
Category: Frivolity
Posted by: A Waco Farmer
Today on Sean Hannity's radio show, wild-haired pollster John Zogby floated the idea of Al Gore as a compromise candidate for the Democratic nomination. The Zogby plan: Jimmy Carter and some other party wise men convince Barack Obama to release his delegates to Al Gore in exchange for the VP slot. The powers that be assure Mrs. Clinton that she would ascend to Senate Majority Leader as part of the deal, and everybody leaves happy.

Really? Al Gore? Really?

One of the most unelectable figures in the history of American politics?

Is John Kerry not available?

What about Walter Mondale? Ted Kennedy, maybe? Unfortunately, Ed Muskie passed away, but I think George McGovern is still alive. What about him?

We appreciate you thinking out of the box, Zog--but perhaps you should go back to the drawing board on this one.

18/03: The Economy

Category: Frivolity
Posted by: A Waco Farmer
From the Wall Street Journal:

"The Federal Reserve continued its two-front attack on the credit crunch with a steep rate cut, and hinted at more to come.

"The cut was less than financial markets wanted. But in a sign the Fed's prior efforts to boost lending through unconventional means may be getting some traction, stocks soared, buoyed by earnings reports from two big investment banks."

As for me, I am going to hold out until the Fed starts paying me to borrow money.
Category: Frivolity
Posted by: Tocqueville
A recent report reveals a disturbing trend. Apparently, many U.S. parents are now outsourcing their children's daycare overseas. Watch the full story here.
Category: Frivolity
Posted by: an okie gardener
Funny stuff. Not completely safe for work.

From the Rott, link to YouTube.
Category: Frivolity
Posted by: A Waco Farmer
From the New York Times:

In U.S. Name Count, Garcias Are Catching Up With Joneses

"Smith remains the most common surname in the United States, according to a new analysis released yesterday by the Census Bureau. But for the first time, two Hispanic surnames — Garcia and Rodriguez — are among the top 10 most common in the nation, and Martinez nearly edged out Wilson for 10th place."

Later in the article:

"Generations ago, immigration officials sometimes arbitrarily Anglicized or simplified names when foreigners arrived from Europe.

'"The movie studios used to demand that their employees have standard Waspy names,' said Justin Kaplan, an historian and co-author of 'The Language of Names.'"

"'Now, look at Renée Zellweger,' Mr. Kaplan said."

Tocqueville observes:

"There's a bit of unintended humor here. The NYT assures us that, until recently, the movie studios insisted on Anglo-Saxon ("Waspy") names. As a sign of progress, look at the success of Rene Zellweger. Zellweger being, well, uh, German. This is obviously a real advance from the days when Otto Preminger, Zero Mostel, Maximilian Schell, and Marlene Dietrich were forced to call themselves Otto Preminger, Zero Mostel, Maximilian Schell, and Marlene Dietrich. Think of the case of poor Yul Brynner!"
Category: Frivolity
Posted by: an okie gardener
I cannot vouch for the accuracy of the story. But it is funny. From a comment on Red Nation Society.
Category: Frivolity
Posted by: an okie gardener
Materialistic Lust, aka Covetousness. At least I recognize my vices when they whisper in my ear.

Really neat stuff made from old airplane parts: chairs, desks, tables, etc. "If I were a rich man, duh duh dee dah dee dah dee, . . ."